Wednesday, January 27, 2010

An Open Letter to Heidi Montag

Dear, Heidi

Why did you mutilate yourself?

Did your face anger you in some way?

Perhaps you woke up one morning with a zit... but it was just a little annoyance you thought you could live with so totally no biggie. Then by the time you went for lunch it had swollen up into a puffy white sack of puss that embarrasses you and your friends in public...

Sure, Spencer seems like a grade-A pain the in ass, but he's not worth going under the knife ten times over... in one day!

Sister, listen... you're blonde, blue eyed, and you have a huge, well rounded... um... faith... you are (were) gorgeous, you have (had) an amazing job in L.A., and you've found the love (plague) of your life... what's to fix?

This is about attention, plain and simple. Attention from the media, attention from friends, and definitely attention from men.

Heidi, you're married, but clearly you love the idea of becoming a product for the masses... all 658 of them who went out and bought your CD... The CD you a spent a million dollars to have made.

I don't even want to know how much you blew on that chin reduction... etc...

Look Heidi... I don't know you, and you seem so very, very nice... just also a teensy bit insufferable. I think you need to step out of the spotlight for a while. Travel. Go shopping. Lay on the beach for endless days and for the love of all that is holy take the man-baggage with you.

Go live your life, have fun, and let your calling find you. You'll be so much happier.

Those 658 people who actually like your music, however... may not be.

Right then, all the best, and say hi to your mother for me.

Sincerely, Ian