True North Strange and Free

Back in January, we started an all new morning show at Energy, and we decided to splurge a little and order the import host instead of the domestic.

Yep... we dun' gone and lassoed ourselves a Yankee... Chris Shine; hired out of Dallas, Texas, but born and raised in Boston, Massachusetts; I guess that means he's a calf-roping Patriots fan who'll eat a bowl of clam chowder while watching a Matt Damon movie... or something... (That's actually all pretty accurate with the exception of the calf-roping).

As it turns out, Americans are a lot like us... but after driving a car-less Chris to and from work for a month, I've learned there are a lot of very small and strange differences that make our countries so, well, different... eh?

One of the most dramatic has got to be the shoe thing.

Get this... Americans do not remove their shoes when entering a house!

No, for real. Carpet, hardwood or linoleum, whatever you've got lining your floor, they will drag their muddy soles all over it without a second thought.

Furthermore, Chris was surprised to learn that we Canucks remove our footwear, and the concept of the "shoe pile" at the front door of a house party seemed even more foreign... My mother would have a fit if I left my kicks on in the house, so perish the thought I say.

Again, it's the small things that are the oddest:

They have social security numbers... we have social insurance Numbers

They have zip codes... we have postal codes

They have the fourth of July... we have the first of July

They say 'zee'... we say 'zed'

They use fahrenheit... we use celsius

They have blundering Presidents... we have blundering Prime Ministers... And the Queen, which is odd to them.

Even the slightest variations in dialogue can raise an eyebrow; for instance, Americans don't use the term "grabbing a pint" in reference to grabbing a delicious frosty glass of golden brew. The word 'pint' throws them a bit.

However, they do have the privilege of purchasing that brew along with a bag of chips at 7-11... We do not.

However... they do not have ketchup chips... that doesn't really even the score of easy liquor access, but whatever, ketchup chips are effin' good.

Speaking of food, that's a bit of a curiosity too.

America... the land of bucket sized cups of pop (soda as they say), deep fried chocolate bars (candy bars), and cheeseburgers made with Krispy Kreme doughnuts (donuts)... does not put gravy on its fries. (I know, right?)

So imagine Chris's amazement when I told him about the most wonderful and delicious gift Canada has to offer to any sojourner from another land... Poutine!!!

Mmm... Just look at it... all gooey and cheesy and yummy and satisfying... How could this national treasure pass under the American radar for so long!? They embraced Avril Lavigne, didn't they? Why the frig haven't they discovered poutine yet!?

Something had to be done... so I took Chris out pour un dîner authentiquement Québécois (an authentic Quebec lunch) and insisted that he give the glorious creation a try.

Guess what... he loved it! So much so he texted me the next day to say he was craving more.

Hot damn! Not gonna lie... it kind've inspired me to open up a poutine stand in Manhattan. I could make a bloody fortune and retire early. It'll be gravy (ha ha)...

But by far the most amusing difference so far has been the geography lessons... Think back to your 8th grade Social Studies class, we (or at least, I) had to learn every state and every one of their capital cities. The Ameri-kids learn no such thing of Canada. For the most part, they don't even think of our country in terms of provinces and territories, each with their own traits that make them unique. We think of Texas, we think of guns and cowboys. We think of Boston, we think of tea parties and "Cheers"...

To them, we're simply Canada. One big overly polite neighbour (neighbor) upstairs that doesn't like to be a bother... and that's really not a bad thing at all.

Chris and I have become pretty good chums since he made the trek to our true north strong and free, so I've learned a few things from him in our time spent together.

I've learned that whatever country we hail from, we're all very strange creatures who do very odd things... like make condiment flavoured (flavored) snacks and put our feet up on the couch with dirty shoes on.

But I've also learned that we're really not that different at all when it comes to the stuff that matters...

Stuff like poutine... everyone on Earth can get together and enjoy a piping hot poutine... unless you're lactose intolerant.

Cheers to that Amigos!

-i

An Open Letter to Heidi Montag

Dear, Heidi

Why did you mutilate yourself?

Did your face anger you in some way?

Perhaps you woke up one morning with a zit... but it was just a little annoyance you thought you could live with so totally no biggie. Then by the time you went for lunch it had swollen up into a puffy white sack of puss that embarrasses you and your friends in public...

Sure, Spencer seems like a grade-A pain the in ass, but he's not worth going under the knife ten times over... in one day!

Sister, listen... you're blonde, blue eyed, and you have a huge, well rounded... um... faith... you are (were) gorgeous, you have (had) an amazing job in L.A., and you've found the love (plague) of your life... what's to fix?

This is about attention, plain and simple. Attention from the media, attention from friends, and definitely attention from men.

Heidi, you're married, but clearly you love the idea of becoming a product for the masses... all 658 of them who went out and bought your CD... The CD you a spent a million dollars to have made.

I don't even want to know how much you blew on that chin reduction... etc...

Look Heidi... I don't know you, and you seem so very, very nice... just also a teensy bit insufferable. I think you need to step out of the spotlight for a while. Travel. Go shopping. Lay on the beach for endless days and for the love of all that is holy take the man-baggage with you.

Go live your life, have fun, and let your calling find you. You'll be so much happier.

Those 658 people who actually like your music, however... may not be.

Right then, all the best, and say hi to your mother for me.

Sincerely, Ian

Obsolete

Well, another decade has come and gone... and so has a lot of our fancy techno-junk...

Remember when digital flip phones were all the rage?

Remember when shock-free portable CD players were a must have?

Remember answering machines? VCRs? Floppy drives?

Remember cube TVs!? (I do, but that's because I still have one)

The analogue era is gone, and we have officially entered the digital age.

From shopping mall directories, to pumps at the gas station, to the fridge in your kitchen, anything can be given a brain these days, and in the next 10 years the world will become a very different place yet again...

But for now, let's look back a the past ten.

The Huffington Post published an article highlighting 12 ordinary, everyday things that have essentially died off since the turn of the millenium.

Summing up how fast things change is enough to make you bust out a whaaaazzzzzuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup!?

12) Calling: Believe it or not, I hate talking on the phone. Chatting with callers on the radio is one thing, but when it comes to everyday conversation, as far as I'm concerned, if it can be said in a text, say it in a text. Nothing worse than mindless Hey how are yous?

11) Newspaper Classifieds: The only thing left in the classified section these days is job ads (targeted to people who likely don't use Craigslist) and "escort services"... I can only imagine whom they're targeting...

10) Dial Up Internet: It sucked. 'Nuff said... but the sounds are pretty nostalgic, no?

9) Encyclopedias: Why buy expensive books that take up space when you can just punch it into Wikipedia? There are so many articles on there that the odds of one being fudged up by a net surfing hoodlum are pretty slim.

That said, if you want your apartment to smell of many leather bound books... an encyclopedia set may not be all that bad...

8) CDs: I still use these, and obviously they're still sold in droves. But I think that's because what people are spending their money on is not the CD (They're just going to transfer the music on to their iTunes anyway). What people are still interested in buying in the new decade is real, tangible, cover art and liner notes.

You also can't display an iTunes collection on a rack in your living room. Many people enjoy that... my CDs, however, tend to wind up on the floor of my car...

7) Landline Phones: Hellooooooooooooo? Why bother? Unless you collect rotary phones... Which is kinda cool, I must say...

6) Film and Film Cameras: These seemed to die off relatively quick! It wasn't until computer software technology caught up with that of the cameras themselves that the digital revolution seemed to take hold.

It was only a few years ago that Kodak flaunted its Advantix brand film and cameras. The ones where you can choose different photo sizes, reduce red eye, etc... impressive features for film. But, um, digital does that too.

5) Yellow Pages and Address Books: Much the same as the classifieds, these babies won't truly die out until literally every home and every person has access to an internet device. Until then, grandma is still going to turn to page 675 to find the number for the knitting store.

(No offence 'Nan, I know how much you like your knitting)

4) Catalogues: Aside from Ikea and the Sears Wishbook... when was the last time you've ever seen one show up on your door? Nope, websites are the new catalogue. It's over.

3) Fax Machines: This surprised me actually. Fax machines aren't the rock star office supply they once were, but they're still very useful I find. Besides, these days they're easily integrated into printer/scanner technology... so it's really more of a "why NOT put it in?" kinda thing.

2) Wires: The more stuff we invent, the more space their wires take up. Granted, they're still cluttering up my living room. But bit by bit and little by little they are disappearing. Wireless internet is already king. And now you can even charge some cell phones wirelessly!

The Palm Pre, for instance, charges through a magnet in the back of the phone. I don't think it'll be too long before you'll be able to make toast on your roof.

But will batteries be included? If they are they'd better toss in a loaf of bread too. Extra incentive to buy!

1) Hand Written Letters: This, I consider somewhat of a tragic result of the advances in technology.

It makes complete sense why no one writes letters anymore, why bother when you can tweet instead?

But a hand written letter is something that will never die off completely. People have been writing each other for centuries, and to this day it's still a heartwarming gesture to sit down and scribble some meaningful words for someone you love.

It's just a humbling reminder that while all these crazy innovations have become essential cogs in the way we live... the power can always go out... but the written word will last a lifetime.

Happy New Year everyone!

I wish you nothing but peace, love and the upmost of joy in 2010 and beyond!

Ian

Golden Balls

It's award season again!


This morning the Golden Globe nominations were dished out and for some reason Justin Timberlake was there to help do it...


JT- "I was in The Love Guru!"
Ian- "I know Justin, but that was a terrible movie"
JT- "Oh... I was in Alpha Dog..."
Ian- "I know Justin, that movie was okay, but Emile Hirsch and Anton Yelchin pretty much stole the show."
JT- "Oh... I was in Black Snake Moan"
Ian- "I know Justin... for about three seconds"
JT- "Oh... I'm dating Jessica Biel!"
Ian- "Atta boy. Here's a Grammy."
JT- "Thanks!!!! :D!!!!"

Anyway, here's a rundown on some of this year's nominees:

MOVIES

Best drama
The Hurt Locker - Haven't seen it, but hear it's amazing... good work HFPA, 1 point

Inglourious Basterds -Amazing film... 1 point

Precious -Kind've obvious, but it was a great movie... 1 point

Up in the Air - Not even out yet, which bugs me about these award shows... -1 point

Avatar - Not out... but I'm super excited to see it. So torn... 0.5 points

Best comedy/musical picture
The Hangover -Blown away by this one. Laughed every second... 1 point

It's Complicated - Meryl's in it... may as well toss it in the pile... 0 points

Julie & Julia - Meryl's in it, pile... oh, but it's good (I hear)... 1 point

Nine - Have YOU seen it? Because I have indeed not... at least Meryl's not in it... 1 point

(500) Days of Summer - Meh... 0 points

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture - Drama
Jeff Bridges, "Crazy Heart" - He's still at it, eh?... 1 point (for effort)

George Clooney, "Up in the Air" - Not out, looks good, Clooney is hit or miss for me... 0 points

Colin Firth, "A Single Man" - Not... out... but Tom Ford definitely is... 1 point

Morgan Freeman, "Invictus" - A. Maze. Ing. Can never go wrong with Mo-Free... 1 point

Tobey Maguire, "Brothers" - Toby creeps me out in the trailer, signs of a good actor... 1 point

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture - Drama
Emily Blunt, "The Young Victoria" - Obligatory period piece... 0 points

Sandra Bullock, "The Blind Side" -Hey, it killed New Moon... 1 point

Helen Mirren, "The Last Station" -The Last what?... Never heard... 0.5 points for Dame Hellen

Carey Mulligan, "An Education" -Peter Sarsgaard makes robbing the cradle look classy. 1 point

Gabourey Sidibe, "Precious" -Duh... she nailed it... 2 points (extra point being it's her first role)

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture
Mo'Nique, "Precious" -Wickedly evil... but please shave your legs... 1 point

Julianne Moore, "A Single Man" -One of my all time favorite actresses... 1 point

Anna Kendrick, "Up in the Air" -Clooney's conquest BUT she grew out of New Moon... 1 point

Vera Farmiga, "Up in the Air" -Tough call, too much Clooney here... 0.5 points

Penelope Cruz, "Nine" -... 2 points... one for each chi-chi...

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture
Matt Damon, "Invictus" -Matt Damon can do no wrong... amazing performance... 1 point

Stanley Tucci, "The Lovely Bones" -Great story, movie looks... um... different... 0 points

Christopher Plummer, "The Last Station" -Did you know he's related to a Prime Minister? Huh... 1 point

Christoph Waltz, "Inglorious Basterds" -Phenomenal... 3 points (one for each language)

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture - Comedy or Musical

Sandra Bullock, "The Proposal" -They meant The Blind Side, right?... 0.5 points for Betty White

Marion Cotillard, "Nine" - 1 point... I just feel obligated...

Julia Roberts, "Duplicity" -Mr and Mrs Smith knockoff... 0 points

Meryl Streep, "It's Complicated" -It's Meryl, but we need to even the score here... 0.5 points

Meryl Streep, "Julie & Julia" -... 0.5 points... please don't ever do Mama Mia again

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture - Comedy or Musical

Matt Damon, "The Informant!" -Go Matt! 1 point

Daniel Day-Lewis, "Nine" -Oprah hollerin' his name is still echoing in my brain... still... 1 point

Robert Downey Jr, "Sherlock Holmes" -Lurve RDJ, but this movie kinda looks like a stinker... 0 points

Joseph Gordon-Levitt, "(500) Days of Summer" -That's the kid from Third Rock, right?... Good for him... good for him... 0.5 points

Michael Stuhlbarg, "Serious Man" -Never heard of the movie, but upon googling, I want to see it... 0.5 points

Best Original Song -- Motion Picture
"Cinema Italiano," Nine -Catchy, catchy, catchy... 1 point
"I See You", Avatar, performed by LEONA LEWIS -Is James Cameron trying to make her the next Céline?... 1 point
"The Weary Kind" Crazy Heart -Does Jeff Bridges sing it? CAN he sing?... 0 points
"I Want To Come Home," by PAUL MCCARTNEY, Everybody's Fine -*Kablamo* The movie is a bomb... 0.5 points for Paul
"Winter," by U2, Brothers -These awards are stuffy enough without Bono's ego on board... -1 point

Best Animated Feature Film

Coraline -All of these movies look adorable... points for everybody!!!... 1 point

The Fantastic Mr. Fox ... 1 point

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs ... 1 point

The Princess and the Frog ... 2 points (for Disney going old school)

Up ... 1 point

Movie Score: 37.5/50



TELEVISION


You know what? I agree with every one of these selections... except House... Sorry, just not a fan.

Television score: 18/20

Best drama series
"Dexter"

"Mad Men"

"House M.D."

"True Blood"

"Big Love"

Best comedy series
"30 Rock"

"Entourage"

"Glee"

"The Office"

"Modern Family"

Best actor in a drama series
Simon Baker, "The Mentalist"

Michael C. Hall, "Dexter"

Jon Hamm, "Mad Men"

Hugh Laurie, "House M.D."

Bill Paxton, "Big Love"

Best actress in a comedy series
Glenn Close, "Damages"

January Jones, "Mad Men"

Julianna Margulies, "The Good Wife"

Anna Paquin, "True Blood"

Kyra Sedgewick, "The Closer"

The Neighbours

I have some very eclectic neighbours in my building...

First there's the girl across the hall.
Filana is her name... Phillana... Fillanna? I barely know if I'm saying it right, let alone spelling it, but she's cool.
A hippy dippy kinda gal that burns incense, dances in the hall and leaves used books by the front door for the taking. She travels around Canada a lot working as a shaman of sorts; attending rain dances, midnight weddings in the bush, and many, many raves.
She offered to bring me some chili one night... I fear what kind of mushrooms she uses in the recipe... Still, she's good people.

Next, there's Crystal. I don't know if Crystal is actually her name, but she looks like a Crystal. Torn grey sweat pants, stained hoodies, and hair done up in a loose ponytail right on top of her head. She's the building drunk.
Occasionally we run into each other in the stairwell, and she valiantly slurs out some kind of attempt at small talk. It usually involves her former employer and how they're "huge jerks" (Crystal's choice of words is a lot more colorful).
She lives in an apartment smaller than mine. It's literally a little box at the corner of the hall right next to Fillana's place.
Her door is usually left open a crack which allows her cranked up music to be heard throughout the building. She loves everything from Kiss to The Jonas Brothers, and sings along with every track she plays...
It makes me kinda sad really. I mean, it's obvious she's an alcoholic with family issues. I base that on the highly audible arguments I've heard her have in the hall with the old man who delivers her rum.

Next up is my friend Heather...

This classy dame and I have been friends since first grade. We lived together in Edmonton for a spell and eventually both found our way to Calgary.

Then we found our way two doors down from each other... she lives down the hall right across from Crystal.

One night, shortly after moving in, Crystal stopped by her place to ask if she wanted to drink with her (Exhibit B in the alcoholism case).

This creeped Heather out and prompted her to cut me a set of keys to her place in case she ever got in "trouble".

Silly girl... she's more likely to get in trouble with yours truly... and she does.

No biggie... We cook food, drink wine, swap old stories, then hit the club from time to time... we're pretty much a pair of hip urbanites living our youth to the beat of the city. Coming from St. Paul, Alberta, this will always be a novelty...

Finally, there's the Gruesome Twosome.
Don't know their names, don't know their story, but I do know this... they have a LOT of sex...

Seriously... jackrabbits, these two.

It's a guy and a girl living together (I assume?) in the apartment that separates mine and Heather's; A mopey looking pair that have an affinity for extra-baggy jeans, wallet chains and KORN t-shirts.
Rarely seen, but always present. I've hardly ever seen either one of them leave the flat. But of the two, she tends to pop out more often.
Never for long though. She'll head out and come back about 15 minutes later with either pizza, groceries, beer or confectionary from 7-11.
As for him... I'm more likely to spot a Sasquatch doing his laundry down the hall than see him venture into the daylight.
Jobs? Doubtful... unless they're running some kind raunchy website out of their living room... which is frighteningly plausible.

There's three dead giveaways that these two are always lurking a wall away from me:

1) Movies: They own a sound system, and they have a taste for action flicks

2) Music: Surprisingly one (or both) of them is way into Three Days Grace and Evanescence... those KORN tees are a touch misleading that way.

3) The SEX!!! Lots of it. Morning glory, afternoon delight, and late night... um... escapades?

Usually the moaning and groaning on the other side of the wall can be drowned out by my television... but last night... last night was different.
Because it wasn't just moaning and groaning last night... something dark and dirty was going on next door...

I think there was a whip involved.

The cracking echoed in my dreams... *shudder*...

My neighbours... quite the motley crew... I think I'll bake them cookies for Christmas.

-Ian

Totally Aliens

Something effed up happened in Norway this week...

Early Wednesday morning, while sipping their coffee, rubbing the sleep out of their eyes and mushing their kids off to school, folks from Harstad to Tromsø were amazed by a dazzling spectacle of light in the sky above.

An enormous glowing spiral appeared and rotated while a strange green beam shot out from its centre.

The entire show lasted around 12 minutes before dissolving back into the darkness.

Whoah... Move over Balloon Boy, because even if this IS a hoax... color me impressed!

Of course, my nerdy/awesome side is really hoping this is some kind of alien activity. A cross-dimensional wormhole opening up the heavens and linking us with an advanced civilization the likes of which our imagination can't begin to comprehend... or it might be some viral marketing campaign for "Avatar"...

... But sadly, the Russians are taking credit.

Suppoooooosedly it's some rocket thing they fired from a submarine that went the way of Amy Winehouse and became a cracked out mess in the sky.
Here's a smart British guy explaining how that's possible:

Thanks for that buzzkill... Rocket or not, I'm sure this thing is going to get explained away in the near future.
But in the meantime I'm working on how to greet our new alien overlords... Smile? Bow? Handshake? Would they have hands?

Damn, what should I wear?

Glambert

If I were sitting in the audience of the AMA's, this would be my inner-monologue...

"Oh wow, what a fabulous night this is! There's so many celebs here. Sure was nice to see Janet back up on stage. Wonder how's she's coping these days. Hmm, I hope I have another drink ticket... I already lost one after bumping into Paula Abdul. Oh look, it's Adam Lambert! Did he WIN American Idol? No, no, it was the short one. Isn't he married? Yeah, I think he's married. Holy, that's some raunchy stuff happening on stage. Is that man on a leash?... Why is Lambert grabbing his head like that? Oh no... don't do it Adam, don't do it! Noooo!!.... aw, he did it..."

Anthony Sedlak

I love food.

And I love the Food Network.

Some afternoons there's just nothing better than frying up some frozen perogies, adding a sprinkle of Mrs. Dash, and savoring my gourmet creation while watching the pros school me at the culinary arts.
Curse you Barefoot Contessa...

Well one of my faves is definitely The Main, featuring super-chef (and homegrown Canadian) Anthony Sedlak.
This guy is only a couple years older than me, but he's already won like a bazillion cooking competitions, he's the executive chef at a posh Vancouver restaurant, he has a hit TV show... and he puts my grilled cheese to shame...

He also happens to be a pretty rad guy.
Last week I had the pleasure of chatting with Anthony about the Zantac Chili Challenge; a national competition that invites Canadians to submit their favorite chili recipes for a shot at winning a trip to the Mayan Riviera!

Dayum... I should start taking notes...

Anyway, check out my interview with Anthony right here:



You may wanna grab a snack... we gab for a bit... plus we're talking about chili so you're probably gonna get a little hungry.

-Ian

Holy Ship!!!

Apparently the cruise industry knows nothing of this silly little recession...

Meet The Oasis of the Seas , the latest flagship of the Royal Caribbean fleet.

She's the largest passenger ship in the world with 2700 cabins (some of which are two-storey lofts) that can accommodate over 6300 passengers and 2100 crew members.

But all those passengers are gonna need something to do! Aside from hocking loogies into the sea... which can get pretty messy... messier still when you factor in those prone to sea-sickness...

Ick.

Well all those investors aren't about to let a multi-billion dollar paint job go the way of a taxi door on a Friday night... so expect to find enough dining and entertainment on board that you'll forget you're even on a boat!

And possibly make you question why you didn't just go to Disneyland for this year's vacation.

This baby is fully loaded with zip-lines, four swimming pools, an open-air promenade/shopping concourse, seven different "neighborhoods", volleyball and basketball courts, a theme park, an ice rink, a mini-golf course, and a 750 person outdoor amphitheater... that doubles as another swimming pool...

Oh, and yes, those are rock walls next to the amphitheater... in case you wanted to take in a show whilst scaling a mountain at sea... phhht, no real mountain is gonna offer up that kinda luxury.

The Oasis of the Seas is currently en route across the Atlantic in preparation for her maiden voyage in the Caribbean later this month. Follow her on her journey and keep up to date with the captain's video log too!

Busy man... hope he's watching for those icebergs... just because this beast is 20 storeys high and 5 times bigger than the Titanic doesn't mean we should get sloppy folks!

Just to give you an idea of how enormous this beyotch is... that ship in the chart above is actually a smaller class of passenger vessel...

Alright. Sold. Who wants to go cruisin'?

Leo?

-Ian

Halloween Tips

Ian's Friendly Trick-or-Treating Tips for Youngsters and Parents Alike:

· Have each child carry or wear something lit – So dressing up like the invisible woman is probably not recommended.

· Adults should plan out a route in advance – Totally. You gotta make sure you hit the jackpot houses. You know, the neighbors that hand out full sized candy bars.

· Require well-fitting shoes – Pumps aren’t trick-or-treater friendly… and no one wants to be mistaken for a different “creature of the night”… yikes!

· Avoid costumes that drag on the ground – Otherwise you’re slowing down all your friends, and lessening the amount of loot they collect. Friendship FAIL.

· With the thought of comfort, pick costumes that are bathroom-friendly as well – AKA, don’t pull a Fergie.

· Be sure a child's mask allows full visibility and breathing – How did Darth Vader cope with that thing anyway?

· Trick or treaters should walk, not run, and should never cut across lawns or driveways – Some neighbors are paranoid and have shotguns… just sayin!

· Only carry flexible props - Sure, real swords are fun and all… but probably not for the ER doctors.

· Only trick or treat at houses that are lit – And if you see the last name BATES on the mailbox… you know… just stay away.

· Be sure kids don't get over-heated and keep hydrated – Trick-or-treating is a marathon event, and you want to make sure your kids return will full bags... that way you get a bigger cut.

· Think "practical" over "cute" when picking a trick or treat goody bag or container – See now, that’s smart advice. Plastic pumpkins are swell, but a pillowcase (or two) guarantees a profitable holiday experience!

· Keep track of time and don't trick or treat after 9 p.m. – The neighbors might be in bed by then… or drunk… either way, do not disturb please.

· Feed your kids a healthy meal - That way they’re less likely to fill their bellies with Tootsie Rolls and Rockets!... Thus leaving more for you when they’re tucked in for the night.

· Children of any age should be accompanied by a parent - And if you’re smart about your costume choice, you could probably pass as a fellow trick-or-treater. Think short. Hobbits, jockies, etc…

· Purchased costumes should be made of flame-retardant material – Do I really need to elaborate?

· Insist that your child goes to the bathroom BEFORE leaving the house – Again, there is much we can learn from Fergalicious…

· Never allow children to eat candy before it is inspected – Yeah! Otherwise they might eat all the good stuff and leave you with the Tic Tacs and hundred-cal snack packs… BTW, please don’t hand out Tic Tacs and hundred-cal snack packs…

· Pick up objects in the yard, sidewalk, or driveway that could create safety issues – Sure, it’s good for a laugh when someone steps on a rake, but lawsuits could ensue.

· Think "trick or treat safety" when decorating – Remember that fire-retardant costume advice? This is for the protection of people who don’t.

· Keep your house well-lit and inviting – That way it’s funnier when the guy with the chainsaw emerges from the garage… ha ha… pranks are fun.

· Be sure your pets are secured and put away – Chocolate is bad for dogs… and some dogs are bad for trick-or-treaters.

· Carefully consider treats such as healthier food alternatives – That way kids are… wait, what? No no, that’s terrible advice. Ignore that please.

Happy Halloween!!!

-Ian

Indecent Joe

Today, at a traditional ceremony in Greece, they sparked up the torch for the 2010 Olympic games.

But it's not the only torch being lit today...

Somewhere south of the border the witchhunt is on for a man who was recently arrested for committing a heinous crime! He exposed his buck-naked bod to a group of kids waiting for their school bus!

The nerve! The horror! The... inaccuracy...

Here's the thing... it was 8am, dark outside, the kids were across the street, and the man was in his own home brewing coffee in the kitchen.
To this I say... who hasn't worn their birthday suit to breakfast?

Well Fox news and the local authorities apparently haven't.
Nor do they condone it.
NOR are they going to let him get away with this dastardly deed.

Poor guy...
As an act of solidarity, I plan to make my Tim Horton's runs in the buff from now on. You've been warned.

Cheers to You

Today the top 16 for the Much Music VJ Search 2.0 were revealed!!!

...

... Alright, so I'm not one of 'em... but I lad can always dream...

And the dream will live on! Being a VJ is something I've wanted to do since I was 10 years old.

I also wanted a pet dinosaur named Bruce, but some dreams fade I suppose...

This one won't.

Whatever the future holds is a mystery, but here in the moment, all that exists is the dream. So it's worth holding on to. It's worth nuturing and growing. And it's definitely worth going after when the moment finally calls for it.

I went after it, and that's enough to make me feel like a winner.

Besides, I'm in Calgary talking on the radio for a living... many of my dreams have already come true!

No complaints. No regrets. And no looking back. I live a good life doing what I love to do, and that's a prize in itself.

So until the next moment comes, I owe you a thank-you.

Yes you.

It goes without saying that I wouldn't be where I am today were it not for my friends and family, but it's a fact that has never been more evident to me. Every time I set out on a new adventure I can count on your love and support. It's genuine, it's endless, and it takes my breath away. Sometimes I wonder if I even deserve it.

The beautiful thing is, even if I don't, you're there all the same. Usually with a raised glass of goodness that warms my soul. Here's one back:

A toast to you my friends and allies,

My loved ones from coast to coast.

A toast to you and all your dreams,

The ones you hold on to the most.

Cheers and much love, always.

Ian

PS- And of course, congrats to the top 16! Rock it you guys!

MJ & AMA

Michael Jackson LIVES!!!

Well... no... unless you believe the conspiracy theories (which I tend to)... but he certainly lives on at the American Music Awards!

MJ was just nominated for FIVE awards, second only to Taylor Swift who snagged 6.

The awards will be handed out November 22nd on ABC. Think the King of Pop can take the crown one last time?? Hmmm...

Here's the list of nominees:

ARTIST OF THE YEAR

KINGS OF LEON
TAYLOR SWIFT
LADY GAGA
EMINEM
MICHAEL JACKSON

FAVORITE POP/ROCK MALE ARTIST

EMINEM
MICHAEL JACKSON
T.I.

FAVORITE POP/ROCK FEMALE ARTIST

BEYONCE (wonder if Kanye is invited to the show?)
TAYLOR SWIFT
LADY GAGA

FAVORITE POP/ROCK BAND DUO OR GROUP

BLACK EYED PEAS
KINGS OF LEON
NICKELBACK

FAVORITE POP/ROCK ALBUM

The Fame -- LADY GAGA
Number Ones -- MICHAEL JACKSON
Fearless -- TAYLOR SWIFT

FAVORITE ADULT CONTEMPORARY ARTIST

DAUGHTRY
JASON MRAZ
TAYLOR SWIFT

FAVORITE COUNTRY MALE ARTIST

JASON ALDEAN
DARIUS RUCKER
KEITH URBAN

FAVORITE COUNTRY FEMALE ARTIST

REBA
TAYLOR SWIFT
CARRIE UNDERWOOD

FAVORITE COUNTRY BAND/DUO/GROUP

RASCAL FLATTS
SUGARLAND
ZAC BROWN BAND

FAVORITE COUNTRY ALBUM

Unstoppable -- RASCAL FLATTS
Fearless -- TAYLOR SWIFT
Foundation -- ZAC BROWN BAND

FAVORITE ALTERNATIVE MUSIC ARTIST

GREEN DAY
KINGS OF LEON
SHINEDOWN

FAVORITE SOUL/R&B MALE ARTIST

JAMIE FOXX
MICHAEL JACKSON
MAXWELL

FAVORITE SOUL/R&B FEMALE ARTIST

BEYONCE
KEYSHIA COLE
KERI HILSON

FAVORITE SOUL/R&B ALBUM

I Am...Sasha Fierce -- BEYONCE
The E.N.D. -- BLACK EYED PEAS
Number Ones -- MICHAEL JACKSON

FAVORITE SOUL/R&B BAND, DUO OR GROUP

BLACK EYED PEAS
DAY 26
MARY MARY

FAVORITE RAP/HIP-HOP MALE ARTIST

EMINEM
JAY Z
T.I.

FAVORITE RAP/HIP-HOP ALBUM

Relapse -- EMINEM
Blueprint 3 -- JAY-Z
Paper Trail -- T.I.

FAVORITE SOUNDTRACK

Hannah Montana: The Movie
Hannah Montana 3
Twilight

T MOBILE BREAKTHROUGH ARTIST NOMS

Pop/Rock Breakthrough Artist - Kings of Leon, Lady Gaga
Country Breakthrough Artist - Gloriana, Zac Brown Band
Soul/R&B Breakthrough Artist - Keri Hilson, Jeremih
Rap/Hip-Hop Breakthrough Artist - Drake, Kid Cudi

The Breast Team Ever

BOOBIES!!!

But seriously folks... Shout out to THE BREAST TEAM EVER! We managed to raise $7450 for The Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation and we kicked 5K's square in the butt (and in the snow!) yesterday at the CIBC Run for the Cure.

It was a blast. And truly amazing to see thooooousands of people out there for the cause. That includes the kind-hearted people who live along the route, and were out there cheering us on... as well as offering their bathrooms. Thanks for that!

Until next year my breasties!

Yeah... the boob jokes were pretty abundant too. Thanks to all for the support (you see!?!?!?)

Tata for now! (Agh! I can't stop!)

-Ian

So Long Jon

It was only a matter of time... TLC has officially decided that Jon Gosselin is no longer a model father figure and will no longer be a part of Jon and Kate Plus 8.

Whaaaat? Well, alright then, if they think that's the best move.

Jon will be okay. I hear hosting Las Vegas pool parties can be a pretty lucrative gig! Lindsay Lohan has been doing it for years!

PS- Kate Plus 8 will premiere on TLC November 2nd. Will you be watching?

F-Bombs Away!

Ouch.

So SNL newcomer Jenny Slate had a pretty crummy first day on the job.

I don't blame her for ditching out on the afterparty. If I were in her shoes, I'd be curled up with a bottle of wine at home with a massive plate of chicken wings, bawling my eyes out. And the inevitable meeting with Lorne Michaels Monday morning, would only be salt in the wound.

But, you know, there are three things to consider here:

1) It was her first night performing on a legendary program, I'd be shakin' in my boots a little too!

2) I don't think it helped that on her first night, they let her lead a scene with about a hundred uses of the word "frickin'... Talk about loading the gun and handing it to her.

3) She covered up pretty damn well! If you watch the rest of the bit, she doesn't flinch, not even once... although her shocked expression after dropping the bomb was pretty hysterical. Mad respect Jenny, mad respect. You carried on like a pro!

You know, I remember my first day of first grade. I just moved to Alberta and was a little confused as to what I was supposed to be doing.

All the other kids did math.

I made spirographs.

Teacher wasn't happy... she was my Lorne Michaels.

You'll get through it Jenny! I did!

Kanye Pulls a Swift One

Shocker at the VMA's on Sunday, right?

Kanye west stole the mic and the show when he interrupted sweet little Swift's first ever VMA acceptance speech, and proclaimed that Beyoncé's Single Ladies video deserved to win.

A little later in the show, Beyoncé stepped up with a classy move after winning video of the year, and let Taylor return to the stage to finish her acceptance speech and "have her moment."

Beyoncé: 1

Kanye: -50

Not surprisingly, it didn't take long for the rumors to fly... Kanye appeared on the premiere of Jay Leno's new primetime show the very next day, and that got folks wondering if it was all just a stunt to draw audiences to Leno.

I don't think it was... I think Kanye's ego is just that gregarious... MTV is owned by Viacom, which is owned by CBS... Jay Leno is on NBC... So I ask: why in the world would they pull a stunt to plug a show on a competing network?

Nah, Kanye is just Kanye... But of course Leno had to bring up the elephant in the room!

Okay... maybe not his best apology... but when Jay asked Kanye what he thinks his departed mother would say, you can tell he was a little ashamed.

Leno shamed Kanye!?... the chin is mightier than the hair! (BTW, whattup with the doo Kanye?... I kinda like it...)

Today, Taylor Swift was on The View and told the ladies (which included guest co-host Kate Gosselin) that she hasn't heard from Kanye at all! No apology. Nothin.... well that lasted about 45 minutes.

Before the show even finished, Kanye called the producers of the show, asked to speak to Taylor, and finally told her that he's sorry...

The Full House writers couldn't have plotted it out better themselves.

So what did we learn from all of this? Kanye's a jerk? Taylor Swift is the golden child of pop music? Beyoncé really isn't a diva afterall?

Nope... we learned this...

Something CAN be done about Kate Gosselin's porcupine reverse-mullet weave!!!!

There... don't we all feel better now?

-Ian

Drop it Like it's Hot

Are you afraid of heights?

I'm afraid of tight spaces, car crashes, and papercuts in between my fingers... but heights I can do!

And this Thursday I'm doin' 30 stories worth!

The Easter Seals Drop Zone is an annual event that sends Canadians from coast to coast down the side of a skyscraper... Not to be confused with recession-hit investors leaping from their offices on Bay Street... we get ropes.

Yes, we're doing this because we're just a little crazy, but we're also supporting the amazing cause, Easter Seals Alberta.

In a nutshell, Easter Seals helps kids, adults and seniors living with disabilities. Whether it's your aunt Greta who needs a new electric scooter, or your little sister Sally who just wants to go to summer camp, Easter Seals makes it possible.

This Thursday, Sun Life Plaza downtown Calgary, check it out!

www.thedropzone.ca

Just a Little Gas

It only happened once in my life... until today...



I ran out of gas. I pushed that little orange light on my dash to its limit, and my trusty black Focus to its last sputtering second.
All of this, of course, happened on a busy road on a busy afternoon in a relatively busy part of town. It didn't take long for the line of cars behind me to grow... it also didn't take long for their occupants to get increasingly annoyed.

Mind you, none of this came as a complete surprise. I have a habit of riding that orange light so much that I'm kind've surprised it hasn't burnt out by now.
Here's my trick.
I know once that light flashes on, I have approximately 60 to 70 kilometers of driving time before I'm dead in the water. So at the moment it activates, I reset that trip meter, and proceed on my way with a smug confidence that I'll ride those fumes all the way to my next fill-up, and probably save a buck or two in the meantime.

Well today, that smug confidence, and that little orange light, finally came back to bite me.

Not a block and half away from a gas station, the fumes ran out. In fact, I was on my way to the gas station knowing that I was pushing my luck and only had so many more molecules of petroleum to carry me to the pump. The trip meter was at 79km. Well beyond my well-calculated* (*loosely guesstimated) remaining drive time. But when the light turned green, and the ironic tow-truck ahead of me moved through the intersection, I shifted gears and hit the pedal... nothing.

So there I was. The ass of the asphalt. The loser of the lane. The squire of the stall.

...In the fast lane...

It took all of three seconds for the traffic behind me to clog up and for the frustrated drivers to pass by with a select digit held against the window.
I was embarrassed for a moment, then a little peeved off at the whole situation, and then I took a breath, sat back, and accepted it. It was my fault to begin with.
I remembered the jerry can in my trunk, and just as I was about to brave the passing cars to get it, something pretty damn cool happens.

A young guy in a rusty car with Saskatchewan plates pulled up, chuckled at my misfortune, and recognized the problem right away.
I tried to play dumb by saying my gauge was broken... he saw right through it, but empathized with the situation.
As I found out, he had been there. Many times. And he didn't hesitate to offer to go to the gas station, fill his own jerry can, and bring me a couple litres of salvation. Neither did I hesitate to accept, this predicament was just balls.

He took off for the Petro-can as I sat back to wait. When I glanced in the mirror, I noticed that the small cluster of held-up cars behind me had become four blocks of mayhem.
It doesn't take long in Calgary... I've seen it. And now I was finally "that guy". The moron in the stalled out car who didn't have the foresight to top up the night before.
Once again, a little embarrassed.

Then all of a sudden, a man with sunglasses and a book bag walks across the street and up to my window. He offers to help me get to the side of the road, and before I could even step out to assist, a burly guy in a half-ton behind me hops out of his seat, and the two of them shove my dead fish car to the side, and just as stand up through the sunroof to say thanks, they're off on their way.
Not a minute later, the rusty Saskatchewinite returns with a full can and a smile. Not another minute after that, I was off on my own way.

I gave the guy the last 10 bucks I had in my wallet. He accepted after a bit of insisting, but I felt like it wasn't payment enough. It more than covered the gas, but after being shown such unconditional kindness from three complete strangers, it seemed like a lazy token of gratitude.

But as I carried on, I realized that one way or another, that 10 bucks was bringing just a little happiness into this stranger's life, and I in exchange had been plucked right out of that pickle in less than ten minutes without so much as a phone call.

It reminded me that there are good people out there, everywhere, and it's all to easy to forget them. Maybe it's because we spend too much time dwelling on the people who broke us, that we forget there are people out there who are more than happy to put us back together.

I'm grateful to the Saskatchewanite. Maybe for a couple things. Now, I'm just looking forward... to paying it forward.

But I'm still going to ride the orange light. This time I'll max out at 70 for sure.

An Announcement Two-Fold

Been a while since I've posted a blog... and that's because it's been a very busy summer!

I've got a million and one stories to share from my trip to Newfoundland and Nova Scotia (not to mention plenty of photos) but first... an important announcement!

Congratulations Erin Wilde!!!

My friend and co-worker, Erin, just gave birth to her third child, cutie-pie Morgan Rae was welcomed to the world on July 29, 2009.

She was 9 pounds! Good grief... Erin, you are a strong woman!

With the new arrival safe and sound at home, Erin will be taking a maternity leave from Energy 101.5... and that leads me to announcement #2...

I have officially taken over the mid-day show!!!

Hittin' the airwaves from 9 to 3 and doing my best to keep Erins loyal audience tuned in and entertained (hope it's working so far!). But no worries if you're a fan of the Freeway and Meg morning show, I'll still be a part of that crazy crew too!

It's an exciting step for both of us, and I'm eager to see what else will come to pass in the months ahead. Erin, we miss you, but thanks to you and baby M for giving me this opportunity. Be well and enjoy that well-deserved glass of wine! :)

MUCH LOVE ALL!

Ian